1/10/07 - Winter is here
Oh well as I ended my last post, winter has indeed arrived. We have (over the course of a very short week) gone from spring to winter. Saturday it was 70 degrees. Today the high will be 38. This isn't helping me breathe. I've become almost leashed to the house, because I need to be able to use my nebulizer every 4 hours. This is problematic in more ways that you can think.
Starting back in the balmy 70 degree day, we had gone to visit friends that we had not seen in some time. They have a 5 month old daughter that is adorable. We decided that the day would be perfect, drive out there and even if the mood struck the new parents we could take the baby outside for a little while. I used my nebulizer just before I left the house and we set off. Now I have a Proventil inhaler to use that I can carry around with me, but it doesn't work half as well as the Albuterol treatment that is delivered via the nebulizer. While we enjoyed the visit, because we had not seen these people for a while two thing stuck out for me.
First - it was the first time we had been together since I had really gotten sick. This presented a different situation for them and me. For them they have been used to seeing my at some of my most active moments, now they are seeing me at some of my most limited. For me it was the first time that I had been around someone new for a while, and their reactions surprised me. To put it in a word - their reaction consisted of varying levels of pity. If there is one thing that I cant stand - its pity. I've done and accomplished too much to have someone look at me the same way they would a stray dog that has been hit by a car. It makes me angry. What I really want, is for them to look at me and for themto get angry! Angry at what is happening and so angry that they look to what they can do to change things. Who can they call, or write to? Who is going to make sure that more people don't get sick? For them to look past me, their ill friend and see a multitude of others - but they don't. They only see me. What good is that? I try to illuminate them by telling them the stories of all the others that this is happening to, but you can see that they only see me. My other-half is so sick of hearing me relate these stories that she can hardly stand to hear it again. Which brings me to the second difference between this visit and all the others we have enjoyed with this couple over the years.
At some point in time, the puffs of the Proventil pump just wasn't getting it done. This happened to be mid-way into when more people had shown up and things may have expanded to dinner and movies for all involved. But because of this increasing shortness of breath, I had to leave and head back home to get a full treatment. My other half didn't really have much choice, she just had to get into the car. The couple didn't have much of a choice - unless they felt like piling into the vehicle and bringing the baby along back to the house - because I needed to nebulize. This isn't the fist time this has happened by any stretch of the imagination. They very next day when we were taking advantage of some after Christmas sales, it had to be cut short on account of SOB. My life, my activities have reached out and pulled other people into it. This isn't what I want to happen.
In the whole my other half is great about this, she usually is reminding me of when I have to nebulize so we can start to head home - but sometimes she gets downright frustrated with what's happening. I mean at this point I'm on 4 hour leashes (including travel time!). The alternative, I guess is that I can just not go out if I know that the trip is going to take longer than a few hours, but I don't want to do this. I want to be as involved with life as I can be. And I don't want to fan the flames of something else that has been lurking in the not-too-distant shadows - depression.
I haven't wanted to notice this, but with this last bout of backtracking, I can feel depression getting closer and closer. Now that the weather has turned colder (where it's actually supposed to be) I think my whole existence has entered winter.
Starting back in the balmy 70 degree day, we had gone to visit friends that we had not seen in some time. They have a 5 month old daughter that is adorable. We decided that the day would be perfect, drive out there and even if the mood struck the new parents we could take the baby outside for a little while. I used my nebulizer just before I left the house and we set off. Now I have a Proventil inhaler to use that I can carry around with me, but it doesn't work half as well as the Albuterol treatment that is delivered via the nebulizer. While we enjoyed the visit, because we had not seen these people for a while two thing stuck out for me.
First - it was the first time we had been together since I had really gotten sick. This presented a different situation for them and me. For them they have been used to seeing my at some of my most active moments, now they are seeing me at some of my most limited. For me it was the first time that I had been around someone new for a while, and their reactions surprised me. To put it in a word - their reaction consisted of varying levels of pity. If there is one thing that I cant stand - its pity. I've done and accomplished too much to have someone look at me the same way they would a stray dog that has been hit by a car. It makes me angry. What I really want, is for them to look at me and for themto get angry! Angry at what is happening and so angry that they look to what they can do to change things. Who can they call, or write to? Who is going to make sure that more people don't get sick? For them to look past me, their ill friend and see a multitude of others - but they don't. They only see me. What good is that? I try to illuminate them by telling them the stories of all the others that this is happening to, but you can see that they only see me. My other-half is so sick of hearing me relate these stories that she can hardly stand to hear it again. Which brings me to the second difference between this visit and all the others we have enjoyed with this couple over the years.
At some point in time, the puffs of the Proventil pump just wasn't getting it done. This happened to be mid-way into when more people had shown up and things may have expanded to dinner and movies for all involved. But because of this increasing shortness of breath, I had to leave and head back home to get a full treatment. My other half didn't really have much choice, she just had to get into the car. The couple didn't have much of a choice - unless they felt like piling into the vehicle and bringing the baby along back to the house - because I needed to nebulize. This isn't the fist time this has happened by any stretch of the imagination. They very next day when we were taking advantage of some after Christmas sales, it had to be cut short on account of SOB. My life, my activities have reached out and pulled other people into it. This isn't what I want to happen.
In the whole my other half is great about this, she usually is reminding me of when I have to nebulize so we can start to head home - but sometimes she gets downright frustrated with what's happening. I mean at this point I'm on 4 hour leashes (including travel time!). The alternative, I guess is that I can just not go out if I know that the trip is going to take longer than a few hours, but I don't want to do this. I want to be as involved with life as I can be. And I don't want to fan the flames of something else that has been lurking in the not-too-distant shadows - depression.
I haven't wanted to notice this, but with this last bout of backtracking, I can feel depression getting closer and closer. Now that the weather has turned colder (where it's actually supposed to be) I think my whole existence has entered winter.
posted by Iloveny_marf @ 12:36 PM
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