11/27/06 - Wondering if Ill ever adjust to this.

I'm sitting here, using my new home nebulizer that my new pulmonologist has provided for me to manage the shortness of breath, wondering - if this is as good as I can hope for things to get?

I've spent a lot of reflective time about this predicament that I find myself in lately. I was an active person. I prided myself in being in better shape than kids half my age. Never mind the mentality needed to be a civil servant who works in a 'emergency' position. All of this I have had to adjust to being either removed or severely limited, and Ill tell you what - I'm having a hard time with it. Quite frankly it sucks.

I find myself looking for building elevators when a year ago I would run up anything short of 5 flights of stairs. I'm looking for places near where I live to do business that have parking spaces instead of making use of the walk to the stores in the area in which I live. (I've spent years making fun of people in my building who wait for the bus which is a few blocks away, I've made my other half miserable about this because she's famous for it - now it looks like I owe SOMEONE an apology). I can walk about 500 Ft before I become short of breath and I am used to 45 minutes of cardio 3 times a week. I cant lift, hell I cant even lift normal stuff! And I had people calling me daily to train them in the gym! I had to call a neighbor yesterday to help me get a box up from the store across from the building, and we were talking the elevator. It sickens me to think about and see what I have become. But I don't know what options I have.

I push my limits every day, the docs all agree that I should try and 'take it easy' and I refuse. I do what I must and miss only what I have to so that my life is only so disturbed. I keep in mind that when this clears up, and if I have anything to say about it - it will, I don't want to be too far behind. I've got plans, big ones. I've got future career plans, ones that make great use of the skills I've learned on my past job. But these plans, like anything that is worthwhile, take a lot of work. If I allow myself to fall off the track, I may never get back on. (This is something I just feel) I am a part of a charity that is starting to move in the direction of notice. We are making progress in getting out the message and raising funds. If I let this fall off, what will I think of myself? I've given up on thousands who are getting sick because I myself am sicker than I was. Ill pass on that thanks.

I've got relationships to maintain, and I haven't been a very good companion, son, brother or friend lately. I know this, I know that everyone on the recieving end of one of those descriptions knows this. They are all being patient with me, but I see the frustration. I just feel so unlike 'myself', that its hard to be the me they expect. I feel isolated from most people, but don't like to be around other people who are sick. Two days in the hospital and the sick people were driving me nuts.

I'm conflicted because, for the charity - the goal is to raise peoples awareness of how the illnesses are affecting the first responders, but I don't want them to know how sick I am because I would not be able to stand their pity. I am at odds with myself and my 'job'.

Overall, I guess the questions remains - is this something that will go away in time? If it is, I can stand just about anything as long as there is an end in sight. Or, is this the best life is going to get? And then, can I make the adjustments so that I can be more 'myself' with my new self? I've adjusted to illness before, I've had to, but in looking back the adjustments were minor compared to this. So while I ponder the answer that only time will tell, I will finish this nebulizer treatment and try not to get too jittery in the process.